Never Enough

Don’t take this the wrong way, but this one isn’t for you. I need to talk through some things and I don’t have a therapist, so buckle up. Assuming that I hit publish at the end of this, I actually believe strongly in the power of community. So your feedback means a lot to me and my heart is holding on to hope that maybe some of you have gotten victory in areas that you can share with me.

I feel like a broken record. Maybe that’s how the children of Israel felt walking around the walls of Jericho. One more time. Didn’t we just do this? I did the work, shouldn’t we be seeing victory by now? Or at least a crack in the wall? No. Ok. Around again, yes Lord.

I listened to a song today that just w-r-e-c-k-e-d me. It was a giant neon arrow that pointed out to me that I still haven’t learned how to just be loved by God. And when the second verse came on and tried to reassure me I felt like a toddler arching my back against the parent who is trying to carry me. (I literally turned off the song because I was so invested in the lie that I have to work for God’s approval I was afraid for a moment that if I thought I already had it that I would stop trying and therefore become completely unlovable)  So I looked at how I was trying so hard to earn God’s love and approval. How I perform for Him instead of walking along side. The shame of admitting this makes me feel ill. God has been so good, so kind, so faithful and never given me any reason to think that I have to work for His love. And yet when I miss out on my time alone with Him because I’ve chosen lesser things I know that the shame of that is filling me with “I’m not worthy of Your love” lies because I can’t look Him in the eye. It’s sort of a look-away, mhmm acknowledgement of His presence until I work it out.  My heart’s desire and the area where I’m aching for growth is to just be able to look Him full in the face, apologize for choosing the good over the best and thank Him for loving me just the same. Then move on.

For me, here is why this really matters, where the rubber hits the road- working for His love leads to sin. It sounds weird, if you don’t struggle with this you may think that it just results in good works or something. But really what happens is that if I think I’m unworthy of His love, it’s because I’m not really believing with my whole heart that Jesus’ death makes me worthy. That He sees me through the eyes of the sacrifice and that He is telling the truth when He said that neither height, nor depth…or as TPT states it “So now I live with this confidence that there is nothing in the universe with the power to separate us from God’s love. I’m convinced His love will triumph over death, life’s troubles, fallen angels, or dark rulers in the heavens. There is nothing in our present or future circumstances that can weaken His love. There is no power above us or beneath us — no power that could ever be found in the universe that can distance us from God’s passionate love, which is lavished upon us through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One.”
And when you don’t believe some of the truth, other things are impacted. Trust me when I say, we were created to be loved. And when we aren’t receiving the love of God, we also block the love of the people in our lives. And when we cut ourselves off from the healthy love that God has created us for, we either start looking for it somewhere unhealthy or we numb out. Netflix, social media, success, busyness (pre-covid anyway), food, alcohol, whatever your personal idol is. Oh yes…anything that takes the place of God in our lives is an idol.
Do you see how we got here?

I will say with a grateful heart that I’m not where I used to be.  Having a mom and husband who love me even when I fail has helped me experience the unconditional  love of God and the more I spend time with Him the more I relax and share in relationship instead of just a performer on a stage. And the more I can say to God “I messed up, I’m sorry” instead of pretending to have it all together and experience His love through that process, the more trust is built and it’s so beautiful. Ok, so writing through this has helped me see growth in myself and that’s really encouraging. But I still have a lot of work to do in this area.  Sorry, I don’t have a neat bow to tie this up, I am very much still in process and have more questions than answers. But God and I are working on it and for some reason today was the day to invite you in. So here’s the messy, beautiful, unfinished screen grab of my life. Thanks for reading and not judging me too hard lol

 

Also this, from the brilliant songwriter, Ryan O’Neil —

Maybe I’ve done enough
And your golden child grew up
Maybe this trophy isn’t real love
And with or without it, I’m good enough

Maybe I’ve done enough
Finally catching up
For the first time I see an image of my brokenness
Utterly worthy of love

Maybe I’ve done enough
And I finally see myself
Through the eyes of no one else
It’s so exhausting on this silver screen
Where I play the role of anyone but me

And I finally see myself
Unabridged and overwhelmed
A mess of a story I’m ashamed to tell
But I’m slowly learning how to break this spell
And I finally see myself

Now I only want what’s real
To let my heart feel what it feels
Gold, silver or bronze hold no value here
Where work and rest are equally revered

I only want what’s real
I set aside the highlight reel
And leave my greatest failures on display with an asterisk
Worthy of love anyway