Next to a garbage filled with tissues and overwhelmed with the smell of my good friends Vicks and Halls this thing lingers in the back of my mind. t dawns on me that it’s been there for about as along as I can remember. It wears many disguises and pretends to be my friend. While unwanted, it’s still familiar enough to be welcomed time after time. Guilt. Lying in bed feeling like death warmed over, listening to Wes take care of the boys it rears its ugly head. I should push myself harder, get up and take care of my family. Yes, yes, I know I need to take care of myself so I can take care of them, but it doesn’t matter. G doesn’t care about all that. It just wants to take over my brain and heart until I’m a sobbing mess. Every day. It’s constantly there.
That’s when it hits me – guilt it a tool of the enemy. While conviction leads to repentance and restoration, guilt just leads me down the dark alley of condemnation and leaves me feeling like I’ll never be good enough. Lies, lies, lies!
While I’ve been aware of the monster under my bed for years, this is the first time I’ve been brave enough to shine a flashlight at its ugly face. I’m not really sure where this journey will take me, but I want to live from a place where I’m ok when I can’t do everything all the time and I’m even able to be ok with my choices when other people try to make me feel bad. I’ve made so many decisions in my life trying to avoid the G feeling that I feel like I have to start from scratch. Father, help me to see what You see and to strive only to live from love, humility and servant hood and to let the rest go. Moms, I think this is a big one for us. Praying for breakthrough for each one of you who can relate to me in this (or is it just me?)