I need a…

 

So there’s this sneaky phrase that has worked its way into my thinking. Four little words that are wreaking havoc with my life. I’m not sure where I picked it up, but when the moment was right those words came into my over stressed brain and out of my mouth before I knew what hit me.

I need a win”

It was one of those days where it felt like everything was going wrong. And if I’m not careful those are the days when everything that has gone wrong seems to be at the forefront of my mind until I’m drowning in all the little things that caused frustration, hurt, loneliness, irritation and disappointment over the preceding weeks or months. So when those words were muttered under my breath they didn’t just slip out, they were propelled by all of those moments.
If you don’t understand what those words meant to me, it was something like this….
If I could just make it to church two weeks in a row without sick kids keeping me home
If I could just make it to Biblestudy on a regular basis
If I could just see tangible results when I pray for people
If my kids would just behave
If my house could just be clean
If I could just get a date night with my husband
If I could just do my grocery shopping alone
If I could just get my nails done a couple times a year
If I just lived somewhere with more opportunities to do things with other moms…

Gross, right? But it didn’t feel like it in that moment. It felt like every other woman gets at least one of those things on a regular basis. If you know anything about my life you’re probably shaking your head at how anyone who is as blessed as I am could be so whiny. But there it is, the honest truth.  I wish I could say that I’m writing this from a place of having conquered that part of my heart that is so selfish and ungrateful, but I can’t. I’m a work in progress. What I can say is that I’ve identified how destructive those words are for me and how they ignore the fact that my life is full of wins, each and every day.
For me, working to overcome looks like this:
-Being aware of the times that I’m vulnerable to the “poor me” way of thinking and taking those thoughts captive.
-Dwelling ahead of time on all the wonderful things that God has done for me so that I can put them on my lips in a hearbeat and offer them back to God with a heart of thanksgiving
– Paying attention to ways that I can offer a hand to other moms, so many who have greater challenges than I
– Realizing that being content and thankful doesn’t have anything to do with my circumstances, it has everything to do with my heart.

I can’t believe I just spent what will likely be the only quiet time I get today writing this blog. But the yuckiness inside of me leaks out and infects the atmosphere around me and if that happens to you, maybe this will help you overcome. Then maybe you can teach me how you did it : )

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4 thoughts on “I need a…

  1. Emily, I think its normal to have these feelings at times. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t. We all love you and your doing a great JOB!!!!

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  2. I so needed this. Right as I was reading this, I was having a bad morning, and it all had to do with how I view myself. I can never be “enough” of what I want to be (especially when it comes to physical features). That verse towards the end of your post is a great reminder of looking beyond me and to what God wants me to think about. So easy to forget this!

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  3. I struggle with that a lot, too, Ashley. I catch a vision of where I want to be, or where I think I should be, then it’s hard to be content with where I am. But like you said, its all about where your thoughts are. If your thinking isn’t causing you to look to God then its no good! May you be filled with a constant awareness that God’s extravagant love for you is as big as it can possible get, just how you are today!

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